Dabi’ar Zuciya 57

57

“Tun ba’ayi nisa ba aka sameta rakube gefan gidana zaune ita da kayanta,taci kuka ta godewa Allah,nasa aka shigo da ita ciki,kafin ma ta qaraso ta soma roqata na rufa mata asiri na barta ta zauna,nace kada ta damu,taci gaba da zama damu,saidai na kafa mata wasu qa’idoji tace zata kiyaye in sha Allah,a baya ma duk abinda ya faru nayi haquri,nata dauka zan zaci wani abu ba. Da wannan mukaci gaba da zama da jidda lafiya qalau,wanda bayan ‘yan watanni saita nemi na barta ta koma zama a hostel,ta dinga zuwa gida weekends,ban musa ba na barta,saboda ina ganin nima hankalina sai yafi kwanciya da hakan,data koma din kuwa sai naji tsarin ya yimin,har zuwa sanda na sake yin bari na uku,a sannan naci wuya,su zuwaira da samir ke kira bibi wato baba,bai iya fada ba a sannan saboda yarinta,har ya soma wayo kuma ya bita a haka,su suke komai,saidai na fuskanc sam rashid baya ganin qoqarinsu,bashi da aiki sai mita,bini bini yace da jidda tana nan kaza za’ayi,na zauna tsaf naga babu ta inda suka gaza,duk abinda jidda keyi sunayin ma fiye da hakan,ina fama da ciwo saina tattarashi na watsar kawai shida mitarsa.

Ban tashi gane cewa komawar jidda hostel wani babban illa ta shirya yimin ba sai bayan wani lokaci da soyayya tayi nisa tsakaninta da rashid ba tare dana ankare ba,nayi kuka nayi kuka na godewa Allah randa na ganshi cikin school ya dauketa sun fita cikin shauqin soyayya,na dawo gida nasha kuka son raina,na zauna na yiwa kaina hisabi,na kuma binciki kaina tsafff…naga me na rasa?,me kuma na gaza dashi?,saboda gudun yanke masa hukunci kan kuskure,babu itace amsar dana lalubo,saboda ado da gayu da kuma tsafta dukka a wajena jidda ta koyeshi,kyau kuwa ko gefan takalmina nasan cewa jidda ba zata iya riqewa ba da suna karawa dani,iya kula da miji ta wannan fannin ni malama ce,mata da yawa na neman sani a wajena,wajen gyaran shimfidarmu kuwa…..sam bana yarda ma nayi amfani da kayan qasar nan,saina tantance masu kyau na qasarmu dana wasu qasashen da suke da qwarewa ta fannin.

Ganin na gagara gano dalilin…..saina azawa raina cewa,kawai dabi’ar maza ce,a haka kuma Alla ya haliccesu,komai kyanki ko iya gayunki idanunsa basa kasa gane masa wata da zai dinga jin ta fiki,jidda halal dinsa ce,saidai hanyar da suka bi tana da ciwo,yarinyar dana riqa kamar qanwata saboda kyautatawa?,to amma kuma…..babban abun mamakin ma shine,ta yaya har ta iya janye hankalin rashid?,tambayar dana kasa baiwa kaina amsa,na kuma kasa hutawa har sai dana samo amsarta,saboda ina tsoron kada ya zaman tana bin malaman tsubbu ne,na zauna ta cimmani,gwara nasan a wanne mataki nake?.

Jidda tayi amfani da zallar KISSA ce,wadda hausawa sukance TAFI MAGANI,ta shiga rayuwar rashid ne ta hanyar amfani da abinda yafiso duk duniya wato dansa samir,tayi amfani da duniyanci da gogewa,wadda bansan ina ta samota ba?,da ita na daukota na kawota gidana?,ko kuma.bayan shigarta makaranta ta hado harda karatunta?.

A lokacin nayita qoqarin shanyewa,ban nuna masa na gane komai a tsakaninsu ba,saidai deep inside ina karantarsa,ina karantar duk wani motsi nasa,saina fahimci wasu abubuwa da ban fahimta ba a baya,kamar yawan yin adonsu ranar juma’a,suyi anko shi da samir yace zaya kaishi gidan hafsa,ba zasu dawo ba sai magariba,wani lokaci nakan gansu tare da jidda,sai yace min suna tahowa suka gamu da ita ya qaraso da ita,to amma ban taba kawo komai a raina,saboda bana zarginsu shida ita.

Ranar data dawo gida duk qarshen sati kamar yadda takeyi itama ban nuna mata komai ba,saboda inason na gama karantarta,mamaki ya dinga cikani saboda yadda suke pretending wa junansu,saidai idan har kayi tsaiii da ranka zaka iya shinshino akwai wani abu a tsakaninsu,abun yayi masifar baqanta min rai,wato ni suka maida wawuya kenan tsahon lokaci?.

Lamarin kishi abune da ba kowacce mace ke iya cinyeshi ba,musamman kishi da irinsu jidda masu yaqar mace da takobin kissa,naso na danne amma sai naketa ganin canje canje,kaf hankalin rashid yana kanta,lokaci daya ta canzashi kamar asiri,shine tashi cikin dare yaje falo suyi waya,shine fitar yammaci ko dare,shine zaman charting shi daya baya so kowa ya rabeshi.

Ranar dana kasa jurewa…..randa ya tashi tsakar dare,ya shiga toilet yana waya,ga zatonsa bacci nakeyi,na tashi na zauna na jirayi fitowarsa har kimanin awa daya,yana ganina mamaki da ‘yar razana ta nuna kan fuskarsa,amma da yake namiji ne saiya fuske,yana tambayata ya tsaremin bandaki ko?,shiga zanyi?,kaina girgiza masa

“Jira nake ka gama wayan da jiddan,inason yin magana da kai” sosia fuskanshi ya nuna shock,sai ya zauna jikinsa a sanyaye,cikin nutsuwa na fara masa maganar mamakin da ya bani kan boyemin da cij amanata da suke shirin yi da jiddan,na fitittike masa,ya tabbatar min soyayya suke da jidda,kuma aurenta yakeson yi,abinda yasa ranar bamuyi kwanan dadi ba,don ya bani mamaki,abun kuma ya dagamin hankali duk da na sani,amma tabbacin da na samu daga bakinsa ya sake sani cikin qunci da baqinciki.

Wasa wasa zamanmu ya hargitse,rigima har wajensu yadikko,hafsa ta shiga ta fita yadikko ma tace bata yarda da auren ba,saidai idan har ni na amince,abinda yasa rashid ya tattare ya dawo min,ya dinga roqona na barshi ya auri jiddan,da farko na kafe,amma bayan na dauki wayarsa rannan naga irin saqonnin da jidda ke tura masa,na tabbatar da cewa koda su yadikko sun tsaya min auren bai yiwu ba bani da wani sauran kwanciyan hankali a gidan,don haka na zubda makamaina nace masa na amince.

Aranar naga zumudi da farinciki da soyayyar da zan iya cewa rabona da ita tun lokacin da muke zaman lafiya lumana ni da shi,hawaye ne kawai ya dinga sauka a idona,tun a sannan nasan cewa tawa jarrabar kenan,don haka na duqufa da addu’a,ina gayawa ubangiji na. Tabbas naga tasirin addu’a,saboda sai Allah ya ragemin damuwa sosai cikin raina,duk yadda na zaci abun sai ubangiji ua huwace min shi,har ya zaman Hafsa ta fini shiga damuwa da tashin hankali,daga qarshe ma take ganin nice na daurewa rashid baya,tsanar data yiwa jidda ta ninku. Tun daga lokacin jidda gaba daya ta daina dawowa gida na weekend,banace ga a inda take ba,amma dai tabar dawomin. Ba’a dauki wani dogon lokaci ba rashid ya hada lefe,wanda ya kusa fin nawa ma,saboda a sannan ya fara siyasa,wadda ta karbeshi sosai,saidai ta sake taka rawar gani wajen canza masa halaye da dabi’u,bamu da rashin ci ko sha ko suttura,hakanan bana rasa kudi a hannuna,amma abubuwa da yawa sun canza.

A lokacinne hafsa ta dire tace sam batasan zance ba,yadda ya yiwa jidda kaya haka zaimin,bai musa ba,saboda ganin bana ce masa ko uffan kan dukka lamuransa,na kawo idanu na zuba masa. Abubuwa da yawa sun faru,akayi biki kai kace lokacinne zaiyi auren fari,saboda irin abubuwan da yakeyi,hafsa kamar zata zauce saboda baqin ciki,tace ita bata yarda ba,ba shakka jidda asiri tayiwa rashid,ni kuma nasan ba asiri bane,kirsa ce ta gwanaye,mummunar kissa da warwareta sai Allah da malaman gari.

Fadin ma irin amarcin da akayi da rayuwar dana fuskanta bayan aurensu da jidda bata baki ne,saidai na tattarashi gaba daya na sallamashi,saboda komai nayi bana burgeshi,hankalinsa gaba daya baya kaina,wani abun ma idan yayi sai inga kamar wanda aka yiwa dole yake zaune da ni.

Ta fannin dangi da ‘yan uwa kuwa,dai daikune basa yi da jidda,duk da cewa bawai sun juyamin baya bane,nima ban canza dukkan halayyata da mu’amalata dasu ba,haka nan ban fasa yi musu alkhairin da aka sanni dashi ba,amma suna matuqar sonta dayi da ita.

Tafi tafi rayuwa ta dinga garawa,na zama tamkar nice asalin ‘yar aikin jidda,cikin ruwan sanyi da wani salo na kissa me kama da siddabaru ta qwace komai daga wajena,gidana mijina d’ana,kowa cewa yake jidda kamar kece kika haifi samir?,shi kansa yaron akwai shaquwa me girma tsakaninsu,saboda yadda take shagwabashi,saidai wani lokaci abun yana min ciwo,don abubuwa da yawa daya kamata ace ta kwaba masa bata kwaba masan,ina tsoron kada ya lalace,shi kuma mahaifinsa idanunsa ya rufe da soyayyar ta,baya ganin ba dai dai dinta ba,komai tayi dai tayi.

A sannu a sannu jidda ta fara fiddomin da muna nan halayenta muraran a fili,bayan ta tabbatar da cewa ta qwace komai ya koma hannunta,saidai fa a bayan idanun kowa,daga ni sai ita kadai take gwadamin wanna fuskar.

Ni kadai ni da mata irina ke kadai zasu fahimci irin jahannamar da nake ciki,don kowa yabonta yake,kowa cewa yake na dace da abokiyar zama,jidda batayi butulci irin na sauran mata ba,batayi butulcin da aka zatar mata zatayi ba,da yawa kan tambayeni….me yasa nake rama?,bayan ban rasa komai ba?,wasu kawai saidai na bisu da murmushi,saboda duk yadda naso yi musu bayani ba zasu gane ba,ba zasu taba fahimta ba,ba zasu gane quncin da zuciyata take ciki ba.

Cikin wannan yanayin rayuwa ta dinga tafiya damu,yau fari gobe tsumma,tuni jidda tayi aminai,masu bata shawara,cikinsu babu kamar hajiya shuwa,wadda na jima da sanin cewa hatsabibiya ce,kusan da gudunmawarta komai yake sake wanzuwa yake dada tabarbarewa cikin gidan,itama yarinyar macace,kusan sa’ar jiddan,saidai a sannan ita yaronta guda daya fawwaz. A haka a irin wannan rayuwar har ta haifi najwa,tsirar shekaru uku ta sake haifan jawahir,a hakan nake haquri nake zaune,ina duba abubuwa masu yawa,ina duba cewa komai yayi farko zaiyi qarshe,ashe qaddarar tawa me tsaho ce,ashe banyi komai ba cikin tafiyar qaddarata……

Domin kuwa shekara daya tal da haihuwar jawahir…..na sake samun wani cikin,shima dai mai wahala kamar wancan,ni kadai nake wahalata nida zuwaira da harira,amma a gaban idanun mutane kuwa,ciki harda rashid…..tsinke jidda bata bari na daga,abun ya zame min jiki,ba baqona bane,don ta qware wajen iya wannan.

Kwatsam rana tsaka ina zaune da wani yammaci saiga rashid ya fadomin afujajan,jidda na biye dashi a baya cikin tashin hankali tana qoqarin riqeshi,tare da neman ya tsaya,amma yana qwacewa yana sake yin gaba,ina zaune a inda nake ban motsa ba har ya iso gabana

“Waye uban wannan cikin na jikinki?” Itace tambayar daya jeho min,tambayar data rudani har na miqe tsaye ba tare dana sani ba,saboda ban taba kawo fitar irin wannan tambayar daga bakin rashid ba,ko wanne irin xama kuwa muke,na maida masa da amsar cewa…..bashi da uba daya wuceshi,saiya jefomin takardar hannunsa,wadda ban iya dauka na duba ba,shima bai iya tsaiwa na duba din ba ya shiga bayanin

“Tun bayan buguwar da nayi watannin baya da suka shude aka yimin gwaji,wanda bai fito ba sai cikin satin nan,suka kuma shaida min akwai jijiyoyina da suka tabu,wanda bazan sake samun haihuwa ba sanadiyyar hakan,a ina kika samo wannan cikin?” Maganar data sanya jiri ua debeni ya maidani kan kujerar dana tashi a kanta,innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un na dinga maimaitawa,ta inda yake shiga ba ta nan yake fita ba,ya kuma barmin gargadin cewa lallai ne na samo uban cikina.

Wannan shine abunda ya kusan tarwatsa rayuwata,ya kuma kaini kabari tun jidda bata gama shirin kaini ba,cikin gidan ya zame min tamkar sansanin yaqi,duk wani sauran farinciki da walwalata da nake tattali gaba daya suka yi nasu waje,babu mai kusantata da zuwa inda nake,hatta dasu bibi,duk da cewa su din jidda ce ta kafa musu dokar,matuqar suna son ci gaba da aiki a gidan,amma bibi da harira basu yarda ba,don suna biyo dare suzo su ganni,su kuma kawomin abinci,don bana iya ci,jidda kuma bata damu a bani ba,a sannan nayi burin akwai isassun kudi a hannu na,da babu shakka saidai a wayi gari a ganni a sudan cikin mahaifata,wadanda basu san halin da nake ciki ba,sakamakin bacewar wayata lokaci guda sama ko qasa,ni kuma ba fita nake ba a sannan,ko lecturing din da nake ban iya zuwa saboda azabar ciwo daya hadu da gagarumin baqinciki.

Duk wannan yanayin nida hafsa muke karbar takaicin,a haka ma ina boye mata wasu abubuwan bata sani ba,saboda banason na bata kyakkyawar alaqa da kuma dangantakar dake tsakaninta da dan uwanta,wadda dama tun aurensu da jidda yau shiri gobe fada,kuma duka a kaina ne,ya kuma koka da hakan shi kansa,kan cewa ina shiga tsakaninsa da ‘yar uwarsa.

A irin wannan yanayinne wata rana ina zaune,na gama rubuta kan wani mummunan furuci da jidda tayimin daren shekaran jiya,makomata,da kuma hasashen abinda zaizo ya sameni nan gaba muddin naci gaba da irin wannan rayuwar……gidan babu kowa,don ko dama samir yana nan,zanga yana yawan kallona,amma yaqi zuwa inda nake,abun yana daya daga cikin abubuwan da suka sake kassaramin ruhina,gani nan ni ba mutun ba niba mutum mutumi ba,na fice daga kamannina,ina tsaka da tunani na naga inuwar jidda saman kaina,gabana yayi wata mummunar faduwa da ban taba jin irinta ba akan jiddan sai ranar.

“Tun ranar dana sanyo qafata cikin gidan nan zuciyata ke gayamin nazo inda zan huta,nazo inda zanyi kudi nima,nazo inda rayuwar talauci zata qaremin,daga randa nayi ido hudu da mijinki na sake tabbatarwa kaina na samu mijin aure,duk da cikin da nayi sau biyu aka ciremin,wanda baqincikinsa ya kashe kakata dake riqona,abun kunya da gudun talauci yasa na kasa komawa garinmu….cikin farar sa’a kika tsinceni,na gode da halaccin da kika yimin,karki dauka nayi amfani da sihiri ne zalla wajen zama dukkan abinda na zama cikin gidan…..a’ah,KISSA TAFI MAGANI AIKI,kina da kiyaye sallolinki da yawan ambatan sunan Allah koda zama zakiyi ko tashi,na tabbatar wannan kadai zai iya maidamin hannun agogo baya,hakanan sihiri bashi da tabbas,don haka na zabi tsarma shi kadan a guraren da na gaza juyawa, na dan wani lokaci,kafin na maye hikimata da basirata a gurbin wajen,ina me baki haquri da dukkan abinda zai biyo baya…..zan miki alqawari guda daya,ladan halaccin da kika yimin….zan bar danki ya rayu,amma ban miki alqawarin irin rayuwar da kika tsara masa ba……na gaji da ganinki cikin gidana raihana,nayi aiki tuquru na tsahon lokaci,nayi juriya na kuma yi haquri…….ya kamata ki matsa ki bani waje hakanan,albishir guda daya da zan miki shine…..bazan kasheki farat daya ba,amma zan miki daurin rai da rai,irin wanda alqali yakewa me laifi……”

Daga wannan ta fesa min wani abu,wanda ya sanyani ficewa daga hayyacina,na kuma taka da qafafuna na lalubi hanyar ficewa daga gidan,ina iya ganin sanda aka sauke samir daga makaranta,cikin qaramar motar da babansa ya siya masa ya mallaka masa ake kaishi makaranta da ita,wanda da daurin bayan jidda aka siya masa motar,ina iya jin sanda yake qwalamin kira,ganin ban waiwayeshi ba,yasha gabana,naji banason duk wani shamaki da xai tareni daga fita waje,nasa hannu na yageshi na jefar gefe,duk da zuciyata batason aikatawa,amma kawai ji nayi inason na aikata din,babu me gadi babu duk wasu masu tsoron qofar gidan,hakan shi ya bani damar fita ba tare da wani tarnaqi ba.

Ina fita naci karo da wata mota mai baqaqen glass tsaye qofar gidan,tamkar dama suna jiran fitowar tawa ne,suka kamani suka sanyani cikin motar,ban bude idona ba sai cikin wannan dakin da muke ciki a yanzu,wanda na gaza tantance inane?,sai bayan wani lokaci dana fara jiyo ifce ifce da maganganun zararru,sai kuma bayan wani lokaci da aka fara dirka min alluran da suka fara jirkita min kwanyata,da wasu alluran da suka matsantawa cikin jikina ficewa………

Cikin lokaci kadan gaba daya na daina fahimtar komai,na daina gane dai dai daba dai dai ba,da zarar allura da magungunan da suka dirkamin ya sakeni…..suna fuskantar haka sai su sake danna min wasu,na rasa waye silar kawoni gidan?,wanne laifi nayi?,duk sanda sukazo zasuyimin nakan dage da roqonsu akan su barni,ni lafiyata qalau,ni kadai nasan irin azabar da nakeji,to amma sai naga ko a jikinsu,burinsu su aiwatar da abinsu su fice.

Tunda aka kawoni mutum uku ke shigowa inda nake,kuma har yanzu da nake wannan maganar sune dai babu canji,ban gane wanda ya kawoni ba sai bayan shekara guda sai ga jidda,ranar data zo sai naji sanyi a raina,nayi tsammanin cewa tazo ta fitar da nine daga inda nake din,amma maganganun da sukeyi ya tabbatar min da cewa wannan qaddarar data sameni itace sila,a gabanta aka hada alluran da sukafi qarfina aka danqaramin,tun ina iya ganinta da idanuna dishi dashi har duhu ya mamayeni,sai surutunta da take basu umarnin cewa,a qara yawa da qarfin alluran da ake mini,batason dukka wani hankali da yayi saura a jikina yaci gaba da aiki,daga haka muryarta ta soma cakude min na dinga jin kamar ana ihu saman kaina,alamar alluran sun fara min aiki.

Tun daga randa ta bada umarnin suka matsa qaimi kamar yadda tace,sai na daina ganewa gaba days,tsahon wasu shekaru bansan wacece ni ba,amma iko da hikima ta ubangiji,duk randa tazo kawomin ziyara ina ganewa,duk da zan ganta ne kamar irin a mafarki,saboda rashin wadataccen tunani da aka hargitsa min shi.

Tsahon shekaru masu yawa ina cikin wannaj uquba a wannan kurkukun da bana ganin kowa sai mutum uku,bansan ya akayi ba,cikin wani dare,cikin baccina me kama da mutuwa naji kamar an tasheni,kamar ance TASHI KIYI SALLAH! cikin sautin tsawa.

Ina farkawa na ganni a nan,na soma bin dakin da kallo,ina tuna wasu abubuwa da suka faru dani,ina ganinsu kamar cikin dogon barci me cike da mafarkai,na dinga taba jikina,inason naji a kabari nake ko a duniya nake?,idan a duniya ne ta yaya na farka cikin hankalina?,ya akayi hankalina ya dawo jikina?,ruwan dana gani a gefe na jawo,wanda ba tantama shi nake sha,na daura alwala duk da bani da tabbacin tsarkin jikina dana ruwan,na fuskanci gabas,na dinga salloli,banji na gaji ba tsahon lokaci kafin na xauna ina hutawa,a nan gyangyadi ya fusgeni,a nan wajen na fara mafarkin qaramar yarinya tana jan hannuna zata fiddani daga wani rami,wanda wannan mafarkin shi ya zame min qa’ida kusan kullum.

Na jima ina juya wanda xai xama silar fitata daga wajen,ina juyayin ta yaya yarinya zatayi silar fitata a nan?,amma daga baya nayi istigfari…..na tubarwa Allah,saboda shi din me yin yadda yaso ne a duk sanda yaso,shi ya bani kariya tsahon shekarun da akayi ana dibgamin Alluran da a qa’ida ya kamata ace na rasa hankalina gaba daya ko kuma na mutu……amma ya dawo dani cikin hayyacina,ya kuma dawomin da hankalina,lallai shike raya matacce.

Ban yarda na nuna musu farfadowata ba,wani hikima ta ubangiji…..duk sanda sukazo sukamin alluran da suka saba,zanji babu dadi,zan fita hayyacina…..saidai bana wuce minti ashirin sai ta sakeni,bansan daga ina ubangiji ya saukarmin da wannaj ni’ima tasa ba,ban sani ba ko addu’ar da nakeyi ne?,ban sani ba ko a rayuwata ta baya ina da wani kyakkyawan aiki da Allah ya duba ya bani wannan kariyar?,wannan itace rayuwata tsahon shekaru ashirin da wani abu da nayi cikin wannan gidan…….

Wani irin dummmm gaba daya kaltum taji kanta yayi,hawaye ne kwance shabe shabe saman fuskarta,kallon baiwar Allahn take tana mirgina kai hagu da dama,ta kasa fadin komai,ta kasa cewa komai,tausayinta dana samir ne fal cikin zuciyarta,yayin da tsanar mummy ta cika mata zuciya,ashe tata rayuwar ita da ummans a aljannar duniya suka yita?,ashe duk inda rayuwarka takai ga tsanani akwai wanda ya fika?,ashe wani maras imanin idan yaga wani saiya nemi tsari dashi saboda gawurtar wancan a zalunci?